Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Testimonial of Depression

Depression: Many of us have dealt with some type of depression from time to time. Some deal with it for weeks, months, or even years; some for a life time.
I'm a person who has bipolar disorder. I've been on medication for about 10 years. Once coming to Christ, I decided to take a leap of faith. The medication I was on was causing me to gain weight. I was tired of being fat, which in itself was depressing.
I talked to my doctor and she took me off the medication slowly, agreeing to try a new medication if I experienced any problems. I felt all was going well minus the dizzy spells from the descention of medication. I felt good, felt happy, was determined more than ever this was going to happen. During this time I had my first experience of being filled by the Holy Spirit. What a wonderful day it was! All day I was consumed and blessed. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I had ever had.
The next day was totally different. I felt down, angry, disturbed, you name it. I wasn't myself and didn't know what was going on. I immediately tried reading the Bible, and couldn't. I tried praying and have never had a problem with hearing God's voice; nothing but silence. I began to panic. All I could think of is how could this be happening? How can a person go from one day of being totally consumed by the Holy Spirit and the next day empty, unable to read the Word, or pray and hear His voice? Talk about depressed.
I kept it to myself feeling it was only temporary. Little did I know that my family was sensing that something was wrong, but was used to my occasional moodiness. So they kept quiet, not realizing I was in need of intervention. This went on for a week. By the following weekend, I was a mess. I had given up. I thought I must be consumed by the devil. Why? How could that be? I loved the Lord our God! I believed and wanted so bad to be a good servant of His. How could this happen? What did I do wrong?
Of course the irrational thoughts kept coming at me harder and harder, until I started to isolate myself. I hated what was happening. I figured if I was that consumed by Satan, then I didn't need to be here. I thought about my family and what they would go through if I took my life and began to weep. I went for a walk at 4:30 am without a coat and it was cold. I took my I-Pod that has nothing but Christian music on it to try one more time to connect with our Father. Still nothing.
When I arrived back home, I sat in a room that no one usually used and sat there in the dark crying. Trying to ask why, but not realizing how I was going about it. I heard my husband come down stairs and thought, please, don't come in here. Leave me alone. You don't want to be near me. I don't want to hurt you. But he came in any how. He asked what was going on with me, but I began to cry to the point where I wasn't coherent.
My beautiful, wonderful, husband then done the greatest thing he could have ever done. He placed his hand on my shoulder and began to pray. He prayed loud and clear. I continued to cry thinking to myself, babe, you're just wasting your time. I'm too far gone. There is nothing you can do now. No one can help me.
Just then I felt compelled to start praying too. Then I lifted my hands and--I can not begin to explain the feeling--but God reached down--I saw his hand--and He grabbed mine and pulled me out of that deep, dark, miry whole I was slowly sinking in. Then he told me, "Daughter of mine, I never left you. You just forgot how to talk to me and ask me for help. I've been here the whole time waiting for you to call out to me. You did not listen for my voice. I will never leave you. Always remember to listen for my voice and to stay in constant contact with me. I love you. I want you to go see your doctor. You did not ask me if you should go off your medication, you made the decision on your own. I created doctors for a reason. Go back on your medication."
I realized then what had gone wrong. I did not ask guidance. I did not pray about going off the medication. I just took for granted that the Lord is always there and would be glad I was going off it in faith. Our dad wants us to keep in constant conversation with Him. He wants us to ask. He knows all, there is nothing He does not know. All we have to do is ask Him what "He" wants us to do. I realized that I was so caught up in the moment that I did not take time to pray, to talk to Him, to ask, I was drifting at times--a part time Christian--something I swore I'd never be. It's easy to get into that position.
Something to remember as well, the closer we come to God, the more the enemy strikes. We need ot be able to recognize that and take a stand rather than give in to it.
Now if I do not get up and say, "Good morning Father, Good morning Jesus, Good morning Holy Spirit and get into the word, talk to Him in silence, I feel empty. The day becomes a mess. I can always tell when I've walked away. These days, I make sure I get in the Word, whether it be through Capitol Christian Center, the web site of our church, Pod Casts, or Reading the Bible or other Christian books. Life is too precious and the promise at the end of our lives on Earth is too precious to lose. Keep the Faith! Keep in constant conversation! God is Good, All the Time! And All the Time, God is Good! We can not go it alone. Got Jesus? I do! :)

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