I'll start by saying, this is not #10 as there has been way more than that since coming back to the Lord, but that is the number that came to my head, so I'll go with it. ;) This month marks the 4th year since coming back to the Lord for our son and myself and for Hubs accepting Him! It's such a good feeling.
So what is it that came today? Today I went to my chiropractor appt. feeling drained. I had already decided that I needed a day to rest. I've been going full board for weeks now and am exhausted mentally and physically. So I figured, "okay, I can miss group today as I have the DVD and can stay caught up with it. Tomorrow I don't have a way to stay up with that group, so I need to attend that one.
I figured I would stop by the church to drop off the dish towels that I take home and wash and set up coffee like I usually do and then leave. I was going to make up a lame excuse, but instead told one of the leaders the truth that I needed some rest. While listening to myself explain why I wasn't going to attend, I thought of how silly my excuse sounded. So I stayed. I used a napkin to take notes on and was relieved I had stayed. I had asked for prayer and for my husbands business as well.
While Miss P. and others prayed over me, Ms. P said, "I am to tell you that you need to ask whether you should say yes or no before you give an answer instead of saying yes, as you may be taking away someone elses blessing the Father is trying to give them." Wow! That hit home. I had heard the week before of how we should make sure we don't steel others blessings.
This stayed with me on the way home I was contemplating those words, frustrated in a sense, as I knew there was a lot to do at home, this needed to be taken care of, that needed to be taken care of, I don't spend enough time in the Word, I play too often on FB as that is my way of relaxing; but because I do that, many things are left undone, why is it always such a vicious circle.
Then my mind changed to why do I have a hard time saying no? At first I knew it's because I have a heart that wants to help as much and as often as I can. It's a way to connect with others, to be around others, to feel fulfilled. Then it hit; wake up call #10; I was doing it for "acceptance." Say what?
Pretty much all my life I've been picked on, teased, called names, told I was worthless and wouldn't amount to much, and on and on the list goes. Plus some things that had happened at home as well. So instead of listening to the positive that would come my way, I'd dwell on all those hurtful things said to me. I hated who I was. I grew up and lived all these years trying to be who I thought I needed to be in order to be accepted.
People tell me that they think I'm a great person, sweet, caring, etc; but I couldn't accept what they were saying, as I felt it was all just a front. Now mind you, it's not with everyone that I feel that way now. I felt that they felt sorry for me and were just trying to be kind. I feel that people are talking about me and poking fun of me behind my back. Or when people would whisper, giggle and be looking at me or would roll their eyes, all those words came flooding into my mind, and I just kept sinking lower.
So I pour myself into doing as much as I can as often as I can to try and find that acceptance. I live to hear, "Great job! Thanks for your help, we really appreciate what you do," and on and on. How pathetic is that? I was looking for some magical "words" to come and take away all the hurt that has been built up in me for years.
I'm a very shy person and have a hard time feeling comfortable around authoritative people, such as Pastors. I know part of that comes from being taught respect for those above us. But then today I was reminded that they are no better than anyone else. They are just using their gift the good Lord gave them to do.
So now I'm at the point of trying to change my way of thinking. I'll be doing a lot of praying, asking for guidance, what my gift(s) really are, how should I be responding to requests to help, why does it feel so wrong for me to say no? Will I ever get rid of this restless, I'm no good, I won't amount to much, I have no talent, I dress weird, I'm fat, people are making fun of me, I don't want to talk to anyone as what comes out of my mouth is stupid. People have been telling me this for years.
So now I come in peace & know this will be a process to overcome. I thought I had this beat a while ago, but only to realize I was trying to ignore it. Instead I come asking for prayer to be lifted up and hear His voice lead me and to be rid of the negative voices that continue to attack my mind.
I bid you all good day. I pray that you all have confidence in yourselves. Never let the arrows/darts that others throw at you invade your mind. Cast all your cares to the Lord. For those that have been through this, let those words fall off your shoulders. Don't believe them. It's all a work of the enemy trying to weaken you. Don't let him win. Instead, gather your strength from the almighty power of God. The one who loves you unconditioanlly, "always."
For those of you who may judge and tease others; think about what you are saying and your actions, as often times, actions will speak louder than words. Words do cut like a kife and stay with a person. Be kind, loving and gentle. Put yourself in that other persons place and ask youreslf how you would feel if someone were doing that to you. Think before you act/speak and/or do. Blessings, peace, love and prosperity to each and everyone of you.