Today's Funny

Oh my gosh. I laughed a good belly laugh over a few of these. I just had to share this with you all. I received this in an e-mail today. It made my day!!!

Hi all, some of these are really funny.

I just want to thank all of you for all your educational e-mails over the past year, 2008.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can’t enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs to include feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past time while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue used on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, I now have to scrub the lid of every can for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the 15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s novena has granted me every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to help watch the car, so a serial killer won’t crawl into the back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheist who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill for calls to, Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neman Marcus since I now have the recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone else’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a rapist waiting under the car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send/share this letter with at least a 144,000 with in the next 70 minutes, or a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 pm this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy lump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-laws second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a Wonderful Day and a Happy New Year!